"Sick Cycle Carousel" or "I've Lost My Spine, I've Got My Orange Crush"

You speak only with indifferent yes's and emotionless no's through your cold phone. I imagine that, as I talk, you roll your eyes so your cousin can see. Make me look the fool.

I can no longer bear the thought of it. My eyes only swell with tears these days.
I refuse to let them cry even one more time.
This is just another instance of your selfishness. Just another action that screams loudly of your disaffection for and irritaion with me. I've come to feel more like a heavy burden than a loved girlfriend.
Whats worse is that, somehow, I'll be the one to apologize for this. Somehow you'll manipulate me into thinking its my fault you act this way.
I hate to admit defeat, but I don't even have the energy left to get angry or the fight in me to defend myself. All I can seem to feel is crushed and all I can seem to do is let myself be crushed.
Its all just perpetual crush.

Satisfaction is Never Guaranteed

Its a sad sad day when you come to realize that you actually have to convince the person closest to you that he should want to spend time with you.
Its an even sadder day when you come to realize that the person closest to you is actually trying to convince you that he spends more than enough time with you.
The saddest day of all, however, is when you cease caring about either of these things and begin entertaining the idea of having someone totally different.

Moroccan Cedar

Ah yes. What a wonderful scent.  It reminds me of men. Man. Mostly Jim.  When I smell it, I think of all that is masculine or, at the very least, all that I perceive to be masculine.  Funny how life is made up entirely of human perception.  For instance, I perceive Jim to be masculine, in love with me, and in a perpetual state of ignorance concerning all other females in existance. My perception is obviously flawed.
Enough about our faulty senses.
Instead, let us analyze why it may be slightly unsettling when the topic of Jim's ex-girlfriends arises... whether in conversation annually or in my thoughts daily.  To begin with, there is a particular ex that he recently confirmed as still being very attractive.  Oh well.  At least he was honest, right?  The only problem with this scenario is that she took part in the relationship that ended on account of "distance."  They ended it because each was attending college.. not because they were incompatible or because of cheating or because they hated eachother.  No.  They seperated unwillingly.  The worst kind of break up... at least in the book of a current girlfriend.  As far as I know, they have not communicated for 4 years... so I should have no reason to suspect a re-occurence.  Yeah.  As far as I know.
The second ex I find to be leaving a sour taste in my mouth was never a true "ex" in that they never officially dated.  Even worse than the first, this ex has been deeply involved in a slew of very offensive and disrespectful incidents that have taken place over the course of our relationship.  Though there are too many to list, the most recent incident involved her bad-mouthing me to Jim's best friend.  Luckily, some aim status magic was performed and she blocked Jim... nevertheless, I can't help but think she'll once again weasel her way into the picture down the road.  As far as I know, Jim hasn't spoken with her since the bitter beginning of our relationship.
Again... thats just as far as I know.
Somehow, though, I never seem to know enough.

"Too Stupid to Live" or "Only Morons Live in Toms River and Work Summer Jobs ON lbi"

It is evident by your word choice in referring to Long Beach Island that you are not a local or even a mildly educated human being .  As stated by it's name, it is an island.  Therefore, you cannot be in it.  It is incorrect to say that you are "in LBI today."  The grammatically correct phrase is "on LBI."  It is not a state or a city or even a town.  You cannot physically or grammatically be in LBI.  Now if you were to say "in Surf City" or "in Ship Bottom," both towns on the island, then that would be correct.
So go back to scooping your ice cream.  Or, better yet, just get off the Island you're ON cause no one wants you there.

A Box of Crayons

Red- The color of my uniform at Ron Jon's, my place of summer employment.  Good times include folding sweatshirts with the aid of a special folding board and assisting rich old men as they decide which hawaiin shirt to buy for their cruise.
Orange- Two of the three days a week that I have off are consumed by Shakespeare and Grammar courses.  Neither of which can be appreciated in a mere 5 weeks time.
Yellow- I passed the english content knowledge Praxis II test.  My score was high enough to have a low GPA and still be certified to teach in NJ.  In other words, I did well.
Green- Jim and I will have been dating for an entire year in less than a month.  For some reason, though, its been very difficult lately.
Blue- Pool Blue, that is.  The color of my dress.  My services as a maid of honor in Rebecca's wedding will be used this June.  Should be good times.
Purple- I've decided to start studying for the LSAT.  Law school may loom ahead depending on how well I do on the test...  and of course it also depends on being accepted into a school.
Black- I hate Halo 3.  Its all Jim thinks about and talks about.  Such a waste of time.  I wish he'd take an interest in classic literature.  Maybe pick up a copy of War and Peace or something...
White- The color of my skin since I have yet to visit the beach.  I'd rather be pennyless and get a nice tan than have all the money Ron Jon's can offer me in one summer and be translucent. I miss the beach :-(

Random Thoughts: Feb. '08 to Mar. '08

Random Thoughts (Feb.08 to Mar. 08)
Category: Writing and Poetry

3/25/08 -A dose of The Chariot's wisdom: Some day in the event that man kind actually figures out what it is that this world revolves around, thousands of people are going to be shocked and perplexed to find out that it was not them. Sometimes this includes me.


3/8/08 -"Even artichokes have hearts. Even needles have eyes." Does anyone ever get what they really want? Or is that just another unreal life expectation that Disney planted in my brain when I was a naive youth?


2/22/08 -"Three cheers for the end of 21 years and nothing else is going wrong." (Showbread's 'OH! Emetophobia). I don't think people miss summer as much as they claim to. I think they just hate paying for a tan.


2/16/08 -Is it just me or do good looking people have the ugliest offspring? I fear Jim and I are in danger of having little Grendels running around one day :P


2/9/08 -Thomas Hardy must have been referring to a certain slugly ut when he wrote: "The smile on your mouth was the deadest thing alive enough to have strength to die."


2/7/08 -If emotions were an organ, I'd have mine removed; like wisdom teeth. But, instead of losing wisdom, I'd gain it.


2/3/08 -Lie to me. I promise I'll believe.


1/21/08 -If your boyfriend is trying to show off for your 14 year old cousin, does that make your boyfriend 14 years old?

Me and You and You and Me

The Master Speed
No speed of wind or water rushing by
But you have speed far greater. You can climb
Back up a stream of radiance to the sky,
And back through history up the stream of time.
And you were given this swiftness, not for haste
Nor chiefly that you may go where you will,
But in the rush of everything to waste,
That you may have the power of standing still–
Off any still or moving thing you say.
Two such as you with such a master speed
Cannot be parted nor be swept away
From one another once you are agreed
That life is only life forevermore
Together wing to wing and oar to oar.
--Robert Frost

The Truth According to Emily

Tell all the Truth but tell it slant--
Sucess in Circuit lies
Too bright for our infirm Delight
The Truth’s superb surprise
As Lightning to the Children eased
With explanation kind
The Truth must dazzle gradually
Or every man be blind--
(Emily Dickinson)
Sugar coat the truth lest it serve to slap faces... what a very familiar and successful concept.  However, I believe it is a technique Dickinson advises the teller of harsh truth to use, not the hearer.  Too often people hear what they want to hear, effectually causing them to create fantastical scenarios that never fail to favor themselves.  Disappointment is inevitable... and rightfully so!  Knowing that people practice such sweet censorship makes one wonder why the first party need go through the trouble of telling with ’explanation kind’ in the first place...?
A close friend recently noticed a mountainous structure of falsities silently being formed upon the mere fact that I exist.  Just as I was about to deny all accusations of telling slant truths and speaking indirectly through circuits, she quickly noted that my name is not Emily Dickinson.  I am of the school of blunt truth.  I have, in no way, fueled the fire nor have I given hope to the hopeless.  She rightfully declared that I am not to blame.
The moral here is that people will hear what they want to hear regardless of how bluntly or, conversely, how evasively you tell them the truth.  When a person sugar-coats the already sugar-coated words of another, what do they get?  More sugar than pecan... or... more fiction than fact.  And we all know that an over-abundance of sugar leads to cavities and decay.  At this point, the hearer is so far removed from the truth that he begins to believe the lie.
Its just a vicious candy assembly line, really.  Only, the center is not filled with nut or nougat, but nose nipping, heart hurting, ass biting truth.
On a similar, yet completely different, note...No matter WHAT you do, someone will ALWAYS be able to find fault in it.  You can tell a girl she looks pretty or you can keep silent.  If you say the former, she is liable to bite back with "And do I not look pretty every other day?"  Yet, if you opt for the latter, she is bound to inquire, "Do you think me not pretty today?"  Either way, you’re completely trapped.
And on an even less irrelevant and completely reiterated note...
People have got to stop fashioning realities from figments.
It cannot possibly get any less irrelevant than that.

One Man's Trash is Another Man's Blog

It's much too simple to say that I'm paranoid.  I prefer to classify it as an overactive imagination.  Or possibly an overly analytical mind? I can't decide if the scenarios I concoct ad absurdum are false figments intricately woven from thin air or hidden truths that I so cleverly reveal to myself through a process of complex pondering.  Either way, my musings are slowly draining the sanity out of me.
For instance, as I sit here typing this I see that today my blog has been viewed 17 times.  Thats about 17 times more than the amount of views received in the past 17 months.  Normally, I wouldn't give erratic view counts a second glance. But my paranoia tells me to do otherwise.
I can't help but think that the spike in views is a direct correlation to a certain ex-gf suddenly deciding to limit her facebook access and block all non-buddies from contacting her. Don't misunderstand. I am not stalking this poor girl.  These are just the things a current girlfriend notices about her boyfriend's old flame(s)... especially a former flame that has, on numerous occasions, completely disrespected the current girlfriend by coming onto her boyfriend.
Alas, it must be paranoia. There is no way for her to know that I had viewed her facebook in passing or that I had viewed her aim profile when signing onto Jim's retired screen name. Right?
No, I'm not crazy.
Yes, I have better things to do than just sit here and think about completely useless could-be scenarios

Free? Ha! How Ironic

I've recently heared songs by and seen pictures of Jeffree Star gracing the myspace pages of many a teenaged girl.  Even after reading what he is all about, I'm still not sure what he's suppose to be doing or even suppose to be at all... and I'm quite sure he doesn't even know... so I'm absolutely positive that these girls do not know.
I'd liken him to a child with down syndrome running in the special olympics, however, I like said children too much to insult them by associating them with such an awkward human being.
The guy is confused and, in being so, very grotesque.
He is anything but (jef)free.

Another Day... or is it?

Too many of us are just existing, myself included. I like to blame it on the college student life and think that working and going to school simultaneously are the reasons for such flavorless life.  Weekly enduring hours of class, writing essay upon essay, reading countless pages of literature, and working for pocket change in between, just leaves little time for real living.  I can't remember the last time I engaged in something I whole-heartedly enjoy.
Its official: I've become just another working-class drone to add to the pile of already 200,000,000 that are aimlessly wandering the US.
I like to think that once I am in my career everything will change... but will it?

You Have the Face of a Cartoon Character Drawn by an Armless Blind Man

 can't be the only girl that has this thought every time she feels the need to torture herself by viewing a picture of her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend.  I just can't be. (It may be possible, however, that I am the only girl jealous enough to sneak peaks of such out-dated material. But that is for another day.)
And this is not to say that I am the most beautious creature to grace the face of this earth, but a girls gotta wonder how her guy went from dating a stick topped with silly putty to dating her.  Its slightly disheartening and, in an egocentric way, highly insulting.
Thats it! I'm insulted!