Wednesday, November 12, 2008
"Sick Cycle Carousel" or "I've Lost My Spine, I've Got My Orange Crush"
You speak only with indifferent yes's and emotionless no's through your cold phone. I imagine that, as I talk, you roll your eyes so your cousin can see. Make me look the fool.
I can no longer bear the thought of it. My eyes only swell with tears these days.
I refuse to let them cry even one more time.
This is just another instance of your selfishness. Just another action that screams loudly of your disaffection for and irritaion with me. I've come to feel more like a heavy burden than a loved girlfriend.
Whats worse is that, somehow, I'll be the one to apologize for this. Somehow you'll manipulate me into thinking its my fault you act this way.
I hate to admit defeat, but I don't even have the energy left to get angry or the fight in me to defend myself. All I can seem to feel is crushed and all I can seem to do is let myself be crushed.
Its all just perpetual crush.
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I only wish that you knew that I would have been there for you. I knew you then and I feel guilt that I did not know that it was pain you felt. There was a disguise that was made and it was a very good one at that. I like to think I am able to see past those things but perhaps I wasn’t looking hard enough. Selfishness of what was going on in my world clouded my vision of others and their troubles and accomplishments.
ReplyDeleteI try to be as good a friend as I can to all the people I hold to dear to me (you included of coarse). I hope you know I care for you and no matter what it is that is going on in my life I'd like to be there for you in any way that it is comfortable for you. Whether that be a phone call, a day out, or even a typed message. I want you to not only hear me say "I am there for you" instead I want you to feel it in your heart and know that as a fact.
Sometimes, I know I am awkward and things I say can easily but misinterpreted. I am not very social and I can come off as a “creeper” to some. Just in the future if there is something wrong, with whatever it may be. I’d like you to know I am here for you. I won’t pry because some things are just no bodies business. I can understand that. Just know that you don’t have to put on a show around me or hide in fake smiles or pleasantries. In the most genuine matter of speaking and without using words that may be misconstrued, I want you to know that I am here and I will always be here for you. Until the day when you don’t want me to be anymore and even then when you find you made a mistake I will still have been there for you.